this endless loop

this endless loop

This is part of a loop of repeated behaviors that plagues folks without the tools to depart from the loop. It’s frustrating to revert to old habits, while also deceivingly comfortable.

Comfort is nearly always deceitful.

My heart is full. It’s so full that it’s drowning me from within.
“I’m here but you can’t touch”.   
That’s what the riddles and the avenues through which they arrive all seem to communicate, but I’ll be the first to admit I’m not great at interpretation.

Then I considered the posse is after me again, but for what this time I can’t conceive because after everything, love is all I have left and it can’t be taken away.

If I disappear it’s never for long. Energy pulls me back then pushes me away. If I say when, he’d conjure a way to say another day.

It’s possible he sees me as some newborn fawn getting her new legs and he just wants to support my run to the forest, or maybe birth is the muse. But if so, I wish he’d pretend I was already there so he could let go. New legs or old, I’ll probably always feel a little shaky in some habitats.

I don’t understand many things. For example, a client recently e-mailed to tell me that he was thinking, so I thought “that’s a strange ass e-mail. well okay, he’s thinking so I’ll leave him alone”. A few days later it turns out that was his ‘cue’ for an invitation to discuss several important items, and since it was met with my silence, he thought I was purposely avoiding him.  I couldn’t say, “Oh, I thought you meant you were thinking,” cause at that point I realized how stupid it sounded.

There are too many things I’ve written by now to pretend I don’t care. Too much of my heart is covering his to even suggest I’ll turn away. Too much has been invested for me to move on without help. 

But maybe that’s all I, we or anyone needs to get through. Help.                     

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