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journal entry, 10-24-20


After reading yesterday’s journal I had a good laugh, and a different perspective. Why the serious face? I had to ask myself in the mirror.

One of my conversations today was with someone about work.  I wanted to be honest, but not too honest; real, but not too real, cause I tend to be on the far left or the far right of those options, and I’m guessing many folks are just the same.

Work was slow because I’d made it so, some of it purposeful, some of it not, but ultimately, it ended up being much slower than planned. Worry isn’t my battle; the bear has been struggling with disappointment in myself.

The man I was talking to said something along the lines of, “Well, you live, you learn…”

I didn’t take any stock in his words cause who hasn’t heard that before? But the way he said it impacted me, cause it was sort of non-worrisome and matter-of-fact like, as if he knew I’d get past it. I knew it too, but having it reflected back without any mushiness meant something. It got me to thinking about how I’d spent too much time thinking instead of doing, and how I’d forgotten how it important it was to talk to people, cause things didn’t feel so disappointing after we talked.

I don’t have too many matter-of-factors in my orbit.  Maybe one, maybe several if you count my kids, but they can’t be matter-of-fact about what I haven’t shared and what they don’t know.  A mom’s pain isn’t supposed to be a child’s burden, but if I’m honest, it must be in some way I’ve yet to identify.

Most adults I need to connect with regularly stroke me with sugar water like I’m a starving hummingbird, and I hate being stroked, let alone doused, unless it involves intimacy and skin. Course words are about as close as anyone can get to me, since forever I guess.

Suspect today could be called a writing day, but it was also low energy; mind and body recovering from something unnameable. Mixing reality and dreams together takes a lot of mind power, spiritual resolve, physical stamina, and a whole lotta of self-talk to get past the disappointing moments, even if those moments really feel like lifetimes.

Maybe this week is working to open me up to others a bit more.  Don’t suspect I can hide away forever, but I might if I could.


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