the more invested in what can’t be returned, the more one becomes commodity, unless the investment is in love. if you want to know someone, you need to invoice yourself for time, patience, understanding, and compassion. then you need to realize that you’ll pay with love, and that the cost shouldn’t exceed self-fulfilling revenue.
no one owes us anything, as much as preparing that invoice might make it feel otherwise. make a commitment to invest in love, regardless who you believe someone to be, or who they believe you to be. on the other hand, you need to be aware when your investment is getting spit on, because forgiveness is a different invoice, and once it’s paid gets filed away.
but i woke up thinking about marriage, and wondering what kind of invoice and payment system i’d set up, and why it didn’t work. i don’t know where the thoughts came from, cause i believe myself to be over it, so widdled it down to the idea that i wanted to discern if i was a complete hypocrite, cause on occasion i’m a partial one for sure. why couldn’t i have made it work if i believe that shit about invoices and love?
cause i didn’t know about that self-fulfilling part, and cause i got married thinking that part was up to my partner, but he didn’t know about that part either. and you just can’t come to a relationship with a blank fucking invoice and let someone else add whatever the hell they want, cause then you become a silent paper pushing partner.
if this is for no one, it’s for me. a reminder for me.
i put those forgiveness invoices away, but love planning requires you to pull them out to see what you’ve spent, especially what you’ve spent on yourself, cause if you spent nothing on you, then that’s a problem, and only you know your hearts capacity, what needs to be spent on you, and what can be afforded to spend on others.