all defenses are down in the shower
thoughts attempt escape with the steam
did i love well today?
always the same question followed
often unanswered with an involuntary
tightening of the jaw
tension attempting to work
its way from face to feet
you’re not as soft as you could be
eh, just protecting yourself
it whispered back
zero to sixty i said to myself. you’ve gone from zero to sixty – what now? it was rhetorical. i didn’t want to think but feelings were fighting suffocation. impossible. they were warning me i was attempting the impossible. again. there was no one to talk to so it went on that way beneath the hot water, until nausea set in from the heat after nearly an hour. too many parts of my brain felt lit up and i felt slightly desperate to stop it – i felt like a madwoman with nothing cohesive on my tongue to prove sanity. not that anyone was asking. there’s just an uneasiness in the pit of my stomach that’s screaming, wait for it…
so i never dry my hair all the way before bed. i like when the water drips down my back. it feels like my head is reassuring me that i’m clean.