Blog loving prayer reflections WRITING

married or not

married or not

“God don’t make no mistakes chile,” grandmother said sternly.

She was replying to a childhood outburst where I’d told her my being born was a mistake but no matter how stern her face and tone were, I didn’t believe her. It felt to be the first clue that age and wisdom didn’t go together.

I may not have been a mistake in her eyes but there’s this thing about using other people’s eyes to see that makes it darn near impossible to walk straight. So I went on growing into myself that way, hoping my actions would eventually erase me away from humanity. Come to find out it almost works in just that way, but not quite.

You could say the perception of being born from failure and a couple failed relationships is what led me to start writing in the beginning. It was like a marriage really, me vowing to the paper I’d stick it through to the end for better, worse and all that rigamarole, and though many days I’m unsure what my role is here, decades later we remain attached at the hand.

A random assortment of ‘teachers’ would ask me to look at my needs and how they corresponded with my idea of relationships. After a recent view of a Sadguru video about marriage I was reminded of what I’d forgotten and with the benefit of age it becomes clearer which needs are fleeting versus those that are permanent. It also becomes clearer that no matter how much I believe myself to be a solid one-man show, I can’t meet my needs alone and no matter how virtuous I aim to be, I’m but another version of Eve.

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