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2021-01-12, potential

2021-01-12, potential

when auntie drank time for her disappeared. the present time that is.

she’d wake me up at 2am on schooldays to talk about whatever it was she was feeling. often she’d ask me to come with her on a drive and she’d stop by a liquor store and buy me candy and soda as incentive to stay awake while she drove with a beer tucked into a cooler sleeve between her legs. she’d drive for one or two hours and always real slow, the kind of slow similar to volunteer patrol folks in their seventies and eighties.

in the beginning it scared me, her waking me up like that filled with sad emotions wanting to escape with nowhere to go but after a few months her intoxication and my lack of sleep became the new normal. she was mean when sober and sweet when drunk, an interesting change from mama, who’d been either mean or meaner.

not sure why she came to mind this way, seeing as how i only lived with her about four months before escaping to lean into solving my own sorrows. maybe that’s why – maybe i needed lots of years by myself to learn that part of the solution to sadness and turmoil comes through observing and sharing. after a while it’s clear everyone has similar struggles in competition for some form of control. but also, i learned that meanness is just a cover for sorrow that’s learned long drives don’t really lead to home.

some of us are seeking rest amidst the confusion of natural proclivities rejected by the outward facing mainstream yet embraced by all behind closed doors. in some form or another, i think some are just wanting to master the art of surrender; not to sorrow, but to the potential held in joy.

auntie didn’t know it but she was my refuge too, never asking me to be more or less than who i was. she taught me the value of changing my perspective, to consider that her life drive was fueled by intoxication with life.

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