2021-01-17, five more

i know you can’t see it from where you sit but my face is red. very red.
my breathing is shallow, my stomach is clenched and outside of your vision i’m squeezing
my hands together.
i’m talking faster than i’d like because i’m uncomfortable being seen and heard, so it’s an attempt to speed up the process of disappearing.
i’m in a state of hyper-arousal. if anyone were to touch me at this moment i would scream involuntarily.
i’m tired, but not the kind of tired that can be resolved with sleep – but this doesn’t mean i wish for death. why waste wishes already granted? i asked before laughing.

— they listened silently and i held in tears hoping to reclaim a sense of belonging in my skin. i had five minutes to go…

a man once told me i talk fast because instead of focusing on articulating my thoughts he said i was simultaneously thinking about what others were thinking of me. he said it was an issue of ego that could be resolved in surrender and some of what he said felt correct so i practiced and slowed down. when i’m with people one on one these feelings aren’t as pronounced but any more than that i feel as if i’ll be attacked. it’s irrational i know but still it’s there.

if we meet in person someday and i suspect we will – i’ll likely seem shy but just know it’s a fear of being stripped of what i’ve worked hard to sew together that leads me to hide the hem of my heart’s inflection.

— roses in the form of a heart filled the screen and my time was ended, but not before they replied with gentle smiles and gassho.

they taught me the practice of listening begins with speaking.