rambling. nothing more than rambling. soc.
i genuinely forgot to ‘unregister’ for school and it’s not the first time it’s happened. college isn’t cheap and i question how i put myself in a position to pay for nonattendance ‘f’s’… again.
the big guy was talking to me from his car while his wife and kids could be clearly heard in the background. they were driving to the mountains to get away for a few days. i felt a pang. a pang for everything i heard and hadn’t succeeded at. i stepped back to watch me talk to myself so i could take an opposing role and explain how wonderful i was. it didn’t work. i missed the sound of little babies. of the ability to put family time before work. of breastfeeding. of lovemaking. of nature. it all feels so foreign.
withdrawal will arrive soon enough. it’s here pending implementation. but this time it’s different. i feel good about my planned approach. very good. it’ll elicit disappointment but my mental health has to take precedence over another’s expectations.
lock down has gotten to my children. i feel helpless and generally unsupported. i lost 15 pounds. not nearly enough. i stepped back to watch me talk to others. i raised my voice and felt immediate regret. so what is this fear i asked. let it be. let them experience fear in the way they need – and be free to do the same.
never sure if all this is right and good. sound and soulful. i don’t want to do anything but love and yet this doesn’t seem to be the way. not today anyway. observing how they’ve changed in lock down makes me realize how long ago i really quarantined myself. then again, there are all these people. so i’m trying to connect. it gives me hope. but when i heard the big guy’s baby girl ask for a bandaid on the other side of the phone, i felt her pain.