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2021-01-24, ponderous

2021-01-24, ponderous

journal entry; 9/11/01

while the world is glued to the television all i can think about is you and wonder who these people are in my living room. i don’t know them but we’re supposed to be family. i don’t even like them.

did you know this would happen? is that why you left? was it your choice? i guess you probably didn’t have a choice. did i? i’m so depressed and i miss you. i miss the little bit of time we had together and i hate that i have no one to share it with.

are you happy? i bet you’re happy. maybe it’s best. this is actually a sad place. maybe it’ll get better. maybe i’ll like these people someday. maybe i just need to try harder. maybe i said yes too soon and maybe god’s really angry at me. i don’t know. i’m sorry i didn’t do a good job of protecting you. i hope you forgive me.

is the air clean up there? is it like a forest? i have dreams it’s like a forest. when i meet you again, will you still be a baby or will you be all grown up? who’s taking care of you? do you know that you’re loved? i’m not sure if you hear me, or if you understand my thoughts. i hope you’re not in any pain. do you wear clothes there or do you get to be naked?

my body is still making milk. i’ve been using a breast pump and i haven’t wanted to throw it away so i have a whole bunch in the freezer. that’s silly isn’t it. i don’t suppose you’re coming back. not in the same form anyway. don’t watch the news okay? it’s not real. only love is real. be well sweetheart. mommy loves you.

for nathan

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