2021-01-26, loyalty

the difference this time was that i waited.

i waited until all the nasty emotions had dissipated. maybe prior outbursts were lack of maturity or too many stressors or an imbalance of hormones and maybe no excuse is needed to explain away regretful action since they can’t be reversed.

all i know is that this time i waited and when all emotions had gone something inside said, “go now”.

the difference this time was that i didn’t question myself.

i remembered times prior, how i’d wavered in saying what i really wanted to say because i lacked confidence in articulating my thoughts; more concerned with being misunderstood than setting the stage for understanding. “walk them in circles with your words until they get dizzy and then they’ll just disappear and so will the angst,” was my motto. for the most part that approach worked except for the angst, which settled deep inside to grow into something else.

so i did as instinct directed.

the action brought immediate physical relief and tears; tears that the occasion didn’t call for – except it did cause i’d washed something inside myself; not clean – never clean; but less muddy, less in need of affirmation.

all i did was rearrange my beliefs about loyalty; to apply them to myself.