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same ending

same ending

I’d wanted to tell the story a different way but suppose it was expressed the way I needed to express it in the moment. Everyone who knows me has already heard it and I suspect each year it gets less embellished and more real.

My grandmother died and I’d decided I didn’t need to grieve, mainly because I was happy for her, happy for her to connect to all those fantasies and images she’d share with me over the phone that for her were real; but also because I was two weeks away from having a baby, a baby I’d decided to have at home.

The child decided to come on the day of grandma’s burial and I’d decided grandma planned it that way, to reassure me that she’d be there to hold my hand. Those who knew before the birth asked Why at home? Weren’t you scared? Didn’t it hurt? Is that a smart idea? On and on the questions came until eventually I stopped answering them cause at the end of the day, that’s what the choice came down to; me not wanting to answer to anyone about what my body needed to do and how it would be done. I didn’t want people I didn’t know surrounding me or telling me what I felt my mind and body should be able to accomplish without coaching. It was an opportunity for me to heal from prior birth experience and prior rapes, by removing my physical self from the energy of disconnection, because at the time that was how I viewed the experience of a hospital birth. Separation.

It did hurt. It hurt more than I expected but it was worth it – the pain is always worth it.

But the point of the story was for me to express a happy moment and what came to mind was when after the pain had felt to be unbearable I walked naked to the bathroom to ask my grandmother for help. A few minutes later my midwife knocked frantically at the door to ask if I was going #1 or #2. “#1!” I cried out.

“Okay. Whatever you do, don’t go #2!”

When she said that I laughed so hard I couldn’t get up for five minutes. The pain had completely disappeared in that time and I remember getting up to thank my grandmother for the comedy relief and for giving me just five minutes to believe I could do it because it was all I needed.

You never know what a minute or an hour might mean to someone in unbearable pain but if you believe like me that life brings good round after bad, then you can be confident that whatever’s birthed from moments of authentic connection will be fruitful.

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